Welcome to the Sexiest Town in South Australia!
Shôn Ellerton, August 12, 2026
How can it be that a little town in the middle of South Australia is granted the title of being the sexiest town?
There’s a largish town around three hours’ drive north of Adelaide called Port Pirie. There’s nothing particularly special about it. The houses look fairly ordinary. It has the usual amenities like hospitals, schools, and a reasonable collection of well-run shops in its town centre. It also has a deep water port and a gigantic smelter complete with a towering chimney reaching to a height of two hundred metres, which is mighty impressive considering that the Eiffel Tower is not too far off at around three hundred.
Surrounding Port Pirie are a cluster of quite idyllic towns with lovely names like Crystal Brook, Laura, Gladstone, and Port Broughton. These towns are interconnected with lonely one-way highways criss-crossing beautiful South Australian terrain, although you have to ignore the ugliness of the wind turbines which dot the ridges of low-lying hills. Unless you’re into the aesthetics of these monstrous leviathans.
Port Pirie is the butt of all jokes for those who live in the surrounding towns. Perhaps a little unfair considering that Port Pirie is the nearest town of any size, around thirty thousand people or so, that has most of the amenities that people need in the local area. It may be classified as the unfortunate but necessary hub and hive of activity in the entire area.
The biggest hyperbolic criticism thrown at Port Pirie is that everyone’s brain is fried because of the lead spewed up by the smelters. Apparently, if you run your finger down any surface in any house or within any building, you come up with a fine layer of lead dust. Truth be known, anywhere in the country around this area, particularly in summer, is coated with fine particles of red clay. Which is why it’s a mistake to buy white towels because they turn red after every use after a shower.
It’s an odd place, Pirie. And frankly, I wonder what people get up to half the time.
Well.
It’s been revealed. And, for my more regular readers, this article wasn’t written on April 1st, so I was surprised to learn this.
Port Pirie was voted South Australia’s sexiest town for 2025. Some friends of mine who live in one of the surrounding towns mentioned this to me.
Dismissing this as some bizarre joke, I was further directed to a post on Facebook by Channel 10, one of the prominent news networks in Australia.
Yes, it’s true! Port Pirie was voted the sexiest town in South Australia!
Now, goodness knows why this was the case. After all, I’ve been to Pirie many times on errands while doing up a reno in one of the surrounding towns.
Apart from a couple of young women chomping away on their burritos at a local Zambrero Mexican fast food joint who looked vaguely attractive apart from the blatant overuse of tattoos on their arms and legs, I could see nothing in the way of talent among the streets of Pirie. I wasn’t explicitly looking for any, just to be clear, but you can’t ignore the findings whilst out shopping for goods and whatnot. And unlike many similarly sized British towns, Australia isn’t well-known for having upscale bars and nightclubs but rather, the rough and tumble sports bar with average beer and TVs broadcasting greyhound racing or sulky or harness racing with horses, which, frankly warrants an entire article on its own as being, perhaps, one of the most boring and pointless sports on the planet.
It seems Port Pirie is desperately trying to cling on to keeping things alive and running. There are some great places to eat I found out including a curry house which was above average and they do have a nice pizza joint. They have a cinema of sorts but I wish it wasn’t one of those so-called multipurpose festival centre joints which makes a cinema kind of not being a cinema in my opinion. Unfortunately, they couldn’t hang on to their one and only ten-bowling place, a place I took my young son not that long ago. Frankly, the place was a bit of a dive and was overpriced, especially for the locals living there.
As with many mid-sized towns across Australia, there’s an epidemic of drug-induced crime and meth-addicts, which, honestly, I wish the police took a more active interest in trying to stop rather than predate on car drivers going a few kilometres and hour over the speed limit. However, the police, thanks to our glorious politicians and litigious legal system, prefer security in their jobs by catching road speeders rather than getting caught up with being potentially liable for doing something politically incorrect when dealing with real crime.
Get rid of the lawyers and the wishy-washy, left-wing, loony, idiotic, three-flag-supporting, one-hundred-gender-affirming, and net-zero-loving crowd, Australia would be in a better place.
But let’s get back on track with Port Pirie’s strengths.
First and foremost, it reached to the all-time high of being South Australia’s sexiest place!
Naturally, I laughed when I heard it was official, but hey, let’s hear it out.
Turns out that there is a website called Lovehoney, which publishes the craziest statistics on everything to do with Australia’s sex life.
Type in your town or city in Australia and you’ll be barraged with a range of statistics from average dildo length to the average number of cat-o-nine tails floggers being sold. For example, get this. The website, somehow or another, managed to obtain the data to support the fact that towns like McLaren Vale in South Australia sells abnormally large dildos while a town, or indeed, a city like Brisbane sells the smallest dildos.
Now, there is, of course, the caveat that Lovehoney is being honest with the data captured. After all, I was struggling to find a reputable source of the data, although I couldn’t see any incentive for Lovehoney to make up the results either unless there’s some skin in the game I’m not aware of. No pun intended!
By the way, you may be thinking that, perhaps, the results of the average dildo length may be small in difference. You know. Perhaps, the maximum might be, say, six to seven inches, while the minimum is a mere five to six.
Wrong!
We’re talking a whopping ELEVEN inches for Tolga, Queensland and a measly five for Brisbane! And in the middle of this comparison on the website, there is a little blurb proudly stating that
‘The Aussies are storming ahead of the Americans and the Brits, whose biggest average dildos were 6.97 inches and 7.32 inches!’
You’ve got to wonder. What are the ‘use cases’ for such statistics, apart from, I guess, stocking the right size dildos in sex stores?
Can you imagine the logistics of all this?
Doug, the senior sales lead, receives a phone call from Sam, the sales manager in Brisbane that they need a few hundred more dildos to keep in stock. Sam, always to the rescue, points out that there is a ton of stock of unsold dildos because, they were simply too small for pleasurable use. However, it seems that the people of Brisbane will have no problem with them!
But returning to our little country town in South Australia.
Port Pirie, a town, not particularly endowed with inspiration and beauty, but rather, an industrial town which urgently needs the attention of new business interests, is known for selling the most sex toys per capita for 2025 in South Australia.
This is why it’s called the Sexiest Town of South Australia.
A bit of a misnomer to be honest. Rather it should be called the
‘Most Bored Town in Australia with not a lot to do except frequenting the sex shop to buy a new set of toys to while away the time.’
I’ll never think of Port Pirie the same again.
After learning of this, I now envisage in my head, retirees crossing the wide roads in the town carrying plain paper bags filled to the brim with self-rotating black mamba dildos, felt-covered handcuffs, and a variety of butt plugs.
Now seriously.
What on earth possesses one to feel joy with having a piece of rubber or plastic shoved up their anus is absolutely beyond me, but, you know, each to their own!
Port Pirie may, perhaps, have that answer!
